After a 3 month stint as a Christmas Temp for a well known retailer I’m back on the employment scrap heap. Although the second instalment of my student loan is due in days I have pretty much already spent it on an educational holiday to Finland and a not so educational holiday to the South of France so I’m looking for a part time job to give me a few extra pennies whilst at Uni as a mature student!
My first job 16 years ago was in retail as a butchers shop Saturday boy (26 years ago if you include my job as a paperboy at a newsagent), followed by a stint at a supermarket, a supervisor at a stationers, assistant manger at a food retailer before being a department manager at a well know supermarket that I won’t name but it rhymes with Dorrisons. In all my time as a retailer I never called a customer a cunt to their face, remained polite, put up with crappy hours and pay but worked bloody hard with a common sense approach that is somewhat lacking in the World today!
You would have thought with my experience and flexibility to work the crappiest late shifts and weekends I would be an ideal candidate to return to “Dorrisons” as a minion in their new City Centre Metro store. I went online, gave my e-mail address and name and before being asked anything else I was lurched into a maths test. Nothing too difficult, if man buys 3 tins of beans for 50p each on 3 for 2 offer, how much change would he get for £5? I passed the test and I suppose basic maths is good for retail work although tills do work out change in a fraction of a second. Then I was given a personality test to do. I have no personality! Which of these is most like you? The life and soul of the party or a loner? This really was one of the questions. I would actually put myself somewhere between the two. What would “Dorrisons” want from an employee? Surely not a loner? But would they really want someone who is the life and soul, turning up drunk, flirting with the fit girl on the deli counter and being obnoxious with customers! There were 250 questions like this. Nothing remotely customer service related. I failed. Without knowing anything about me other then that I’m a cat loving, life and soul of the party type who likes to see a project through to the end. They have no idea I have worked for them successfully in the past and that I have a strong track record in retail. They have no idea I have a good handshake and talk common sense. How can you reject someone on bullshit questions?
It turns out “Dorrisons” a Yorkshire family run business until recently have hired in bullshit merchant outfit Manpower. In the olden days a personnel manager interviewed peopled face to face, talked about past experience, your skills and qualifications. I mean for God sake, we’re not talking brain surgeons or ambassador to the UN general secretary, I’m applying to operate a till at a small city-centre supermarket. Why are a bunch of overpaid cunts like Manpower who are a job creation service, creating jobs for consultants and other bullshit merchants. Coming up with bullshit personality tests that only they know the answer to, sticking two fingers up at decent ordinary people who can’t get an interview for jobs they could do blindfolded!
I’m not bitter thought!