The alternative customer service training course for new employees

“hello, I’m your trainer

I could defend my huge salary and come out with lots of bullshit buzzwords created by equally talentless consultants and the HR machine desperately trying to warrant its own pointless existence 

Instead here’s my advice for delivering customer service, use your common sense 

There, training over, have your free lunch on the way out and go and do your job that you can do without a days bullshit training

Thank you” 


Why the Bullshit Virgin Trains?

I’m a mature student so do a fair bit of casual work to top up my student loan because I don’t have rich middle class parents to support me through universitiy. I’m making the most of the casual work just in case red Ed gets in (RIP Britain) and bans zero hours contracts. I work for some shit employers such as G4S but equally work for a big transport company that provides transport services to other big transport companies. I respect this company but have to admit I lost a tad of this respect at a recent refresher training exercise. My trainer spoke of her disgust for the compensation and something for nothing cultures. As I’m big on personal responsibility, the trainer was my kind of woman! The training was dull. Usual health and safety stuff to ensure everyone covers their arses (because of the aforementioned compensation and Something for nothing cultures). I very much enjoy working for this company so I’m not going to name them as unfortunately their social media policy out trumps my freedom to express a valid argument online. 

It got to 3pm, the end of the long days training was in sight when the trainer announced we would do something a little difference. One of the clients of my company is Virgin Trains and old Richard Branson requested an element of my companies training incorporated an element of Virgin’s. This seems very fair as my company provide services on behalf of Virgin Trains. Also I have a lot of respect for Richard Branson (apart from when he wants to hug a junkie) so I was really disappointed to see he had sold out to the HR bullshit buzz word consultant industry.

The trainer put up pictures of Simon Cowell and Supernanny Jo Frost and asked what our first thoughts were when we saw these people. I suggested “fakes” and “shallow” but apparently I was wrong and so she ignored my answers and said the correct answer was these people were “deciders”. 

Next up was Steve Jobs, One of the Attenborough’s and Victoria Beckham. I mean come on. Victoria Beckham is not in the same league as Apple man Jobs. She might put her name to things others design but she is as shallow as the kids but if the swimming pool. I was wrong again and apparently they are “innovative”, “go-getters” or something or other.

Finally it was Princess Diana, David Beckham and some other twat I can’t remember. I gave in by this point. I don’t think she was interested in what I really thought of these guys, just what the bullshit merchant consultants had decided these guys represented. I think they were “kind” and “caring” but like I said I had shut down by this point otherwise I might have got the sack had I spoke my mind! We then had to stand by the group we thought was closest to our own personalities. I feel old but unlike Diana and Steve Jobs I’m not dead yet. And I haven’t been murdered by the Queen either. I’m honest and direct but unlike Cowell and Supernanny I’m not stage managed. If I’m like David or Victoria Beckham kill me now! The trainer would just not accept I wouldn’t be put in a box and neither should we try to put our customers in a box!

The moral to the bullshit was different staff and customers have different personalities and we need to change the way we approach different customers! Doh! I would have never have thought to treat a little old man with loads of luggage and unsure of his travel plans differently to a middle aged woman who knew exactly what her plans were but just needed to know which platform the train went from. Do the consultant cunts sit in an ivory tower thinking front line customer service staff are just idiots?

How does this make me deliver better service? It is just the brainchild of some talentless twat of a consultant trying to defend his huge salary by coming up with some utter bullshit to inflict on innocent front line staff who have  already the common sense to know how to deliver customer service which is more then the bullshit merchants creating this shit do!


And it all starts again! A blog about Morrisons recruitment and @Manpower

After a 3 month stint as a Christmas Temp for a well known retailer I’m back on the employment scrap heap. Although the second instalment of my student loan is due in days I have pretty much already spent it on an educational holiday to Finland and a not so educational holiday to the South of France so I’m looking for a part time job to give me a few extra pennies whilst at Uni as a mature student!

My first job 16 years ago was in retail as a butchers shop Saturday boy (26 years ago if you include my job as a paperboy at a newsagent), followed by a stint at a supermarket, a supervisor at a stationers, assistant manger at a food retailer before being a department manager at a well know supermarket that I won’t name but it rhymes with Dorrisons. In all my time as a retailer I never called a customer a cunt to their face, remained polite, put up with crappy hours and pay but worked bloody hard with a common sense approach that is somewhat lacking in the World today!

You would have thought with my experience and flexibility to work the crappiest late shifts and weekends I would be an ideal candidate to return to “Dorrisons” as a minion in their new City Centre Metro store. I went online, gave my e-mail address and name and before being asked anything else I was lurched into a maths test. Nothing too difficult, if man buys 3 tins of beans for 50p each on 3 for 2 offer, how much change would he get for £5? I passed the test and I suppose basic maths is good for retail work although tills do work out change in a fraction of a second. Then I was given a personality test to do. I have no personality! Which of these is most like you? The life and soul of the party or a loner? This really was one of the questions. I would actually put myself somewhere between the two. What would “Dorrisons” want from an employee? Surely not a loner? But would they really want someone who is the life and soul, turning up drunk, flirting with the fit girl on the deli counter and being obnoxious with customers! There were 250 questions like this. Nothing remotely customer service related. I failed. Without knowing anything about me other then that I’m a cat loving, life and soul of the party type who likes to see a project through to the end. They have no idea I have worked for them successfully in the past and that I have a strong track record in retail. They have no idea I have a good handshake and talk common sense. How can you reject someone on bullshit questions?

It turns out “Dorrisons” a Yorkshire family run business until recently have hired in bullshit merchant outfit Manpower. In the olden days a personnel manager interviewed peopled face to face, talked about past experience, your skills and qualifications. I mean for God sake, we’re not talking brain surgeons or ambassador to the UN general secretary, I’m applying to operate a till at a small city-centre supermarket. Why are a bunch of overpaid cunts like Manpower who are a job creation service, creating jobs for consultants and other bullshit merchants. Coming up with bullshit personality tests that only they know the answer to, sticking two fingers up at decent ordinary people who can’t get an interview for jobs they could do blindfolded!

I’m not bitter thought!